


Endogenesis

by PatternsInTheIvy



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Angst, Dark, Gen, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Psychological Torture, Torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-18
Updated: 2020-11-18
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:22:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27622001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatternsInTheIvy/pseuds/PatternsInTheIvy
Summary: The idea continues to be, if not completely ignored, relegated to a part of his mind that remains shadowed and locked. It's not a place that Mac likes or one that he feels comfortable admitting that belongs to him.And it's definitely not a part of his mind that he ever wants to get lost in.Or, when Murdoc goes too far in his games, Mac takes drastic measures.
Comments: 27
Kudos: 41





	Endogenesis

**Author's Note:**

> There is an instance where it seems like a major character death happens, but it doesn't, not really.

It starts as an idea, or maybe even less than that. The first time, it happens as quickly as a train of thought, right after Cage is almost killed by Murdoc.

It’s an idea that makes sense, that is logical. Cause and effect. Action and reaction. But Mac ignores that idea - he’s got a million every day, it can’t be hard to ignore just that one.

And right now it isn’t. There is a line that Mac won’t cross, no matter how much an idea makes sense.

He isn't a stranger to violence. He just prefers to use non-lethal methods if possible. And maybe he is a hypocrite, and selfish, because that work goes to other people in the team - usually Jack. But that's how it works. He knows that sometimes what he does in the field has consequences that he’s not entirely comfortable with, but it’s never his intention to cause lasting damage, and whatever he does, it is in the name of a greater good, of a safer world. That’s what matters. That’s how he works.

The idea continues to be, if not completely ignored, relegated to a part of his mind that remains shadowed and locked. It's not a place that Mac likes or one that he feels comfortable admitting that belongs to him.

And it's definitely not a part of his mind that he ever wants to get lost in.

He hopes that having that idea doesn't mean it is too late to stop himself from acting on it.

** ** ** **

They receive the first video on a Thursday. Jack has been missing since Tuesday.

The idea is still safely tucked inside that dark corner of his mind. Mac doesn't let the budding thought become more than that, not yet, anyway. Because right now, he's got to focus on solving the problem, and he is in control.

The problem: Murdoc has Jack.

Matty gathers the entire team in the war room and explains the situation to them. Mac can tell, seeing Riley's bloodshot eyes, that she has already seen the video. He learns, later, that she was the one who received the file.

That is unexpected, but only on the surface. Murdoc has taken Jack because of Mac, but he sends the video to Riley as a warning, perhaps the opening salvo in a discussion, a confrontation that the assassin expects to win. The message is clear: _everyone around you gets to suffer the weight of my hand, one way or another, Angus, because of you._

It is terrifying. The thought that Murdoc will go after every one of them. After every person in Mac's life. He would rather be the one there in that video, would trade places in a heartbeat.

And it fills him with dread that Murdoc appears to know that, too. Mac knows - he _knows_ \- that catching Jack was a _choice_ , that he hasn’t come for Mac directly because that wouldn’t hurt as much.d

The first video is not so bad, all things considered, and if Mac stopped for one second, he would laugh hysterically at that. And then he would wish for a world where his family suffering mild torture at the hands of a psycho wasn't a silver lining. But he doesn't. Or, if he does, he just boxes those thoughts away and focuses on the problem.

Murdoc has Jack, and that has to change. Soon, because he doesn't think that the next video will be as tame - if the first one is a declaration of war, the second will be an outright attack.

They have no leads, nothing. Not a tag on the video, not a traceable IP, not a clue from the image itself.

Murdoc makes no demands, asks for nothing. The video is just a taunt.

** ** ** **

These days, when Mac sleeps, reality follows him and creates smokey illusionary prisons that he battles against but cannot escape at his will.

Sometimes, he dreams of dying. He bleeds and bleeds, sees crimson dripping, then flowing, as Murdoc stands above him and smiles. Those make him wake up startled, breathless, muscles locked in a tense and painful position. When he gets his breath under control, he has to check the skin beneath his shirt to see that there is no blood.

But the dreams in which he dies are not the worst.

He dreams of killing. And when Mac wakes up, he knows that that is the way his mind found to make sure that he understands that everything is his fucking fault. The message is burned into his brain.

The first time it happens, it is Riley. He sees himself driving a knife through her chest. _Over and over and over_. Her betrayed look follows him through the waking hours, and Mac feels out of his skin just by being in the same room as her. He can’t bring himself to look at her eyes - the first time he tries, all he remembers is the dream.

And he doesn’t know _where_ that dream had come from, because he wouldn't, not ever. Distantly, he knows, he remembers that during sleep the human brain makes associations that are impossible to explain in any sane way. But why would his mind come up with something like that?

Riley notices how he’s acting - of course she does, Mac is aware that he isn’t doing a stellar job of pretending he’s fine - and tries to talk to him, and Mac knows how shitty of a friend he’s being, because Riley’s hurting too, and he should be stronger than to get spooked by nightmares that are not even real - _couldn’t, wouldn’t ever be real_ . He should be there for her, but that’s easier said than done, because when they are alone in the war room and she decides to call him on his bullshit, and she reaches out and takes his hand, telling him to at least _look_ at her, Mac recoils violently and shouts at her to leave him alone.

And now that hurt expression on her face _is_ real. But that’s better than Riley knowing the truth.

She can’t know the truth. _No one_ can.

The next time, it is Jack.

They are back in the Sandbox, and when Jack stumbles upon that IED, when the clock starts to count down the two minutes, Mac simply leaves. He turns around and walks away, gets out of that building, and watches the explosion. Mac screams at himself, even shouts curses the entire time, but it’s no use, his dream self doesn’t hear him.

After the explosion, the Mac in the dream simply says “at least it was quick, at least you didn’t drag him into your mess.”

The next day, Mac is even more focused on tracking Murdoc. He snaps at everyone, he drinks coffee enough times that his heart rate is elevated the whole day. Matty pulls him aside and tells him to leave, makes it an order when Mac refuses, and tells her that he’s fine. But she doesn’t budge, and even forces him to take an Uber home, because according to her, he is in no condition to drive.

Some part of Mac knows that she's right, the part that knows very well the consequences of sleep deprivation - mood swings, irritability, difficulty to focus, fatigue, among others - tells him that this is the best course of action. Somehow, he thinks he should be better than that.

When he gets home, Mac almost passes out on the couch. He dreams again.

Once, when Mac had just come back from Afghanistan, Bozer had stumbled upon Mac having a nightmare. When he’d tried to help, Mac, still out of it and in the throes of the dreams, had punched him. The following week had been absolute hell - Mac had even offered to move out, to which Bozer had answered calling him an idiot and saying that no, he didn’t want Mac to leave.

The nightmare starts similar to what happened that day, but this time, when Mac punches Bozer, he falls down, hard, head hitting the floor with a dull cracking noise. There is blood on the floor, it leaks out of Bozer's ears and his nose.

Mac looks at his hands, then at Bozer, and he doesn’t understand, because he didn’t - _he didn’t_ \- use that much force. That shouldn’t have happened, and then he is scrambling, trying to reach his friend, and he’s saying that he’s sorry, pleading to whatever god might exist, and that he has no faith in, to let him fix this, please.

He never reaches Bozer. Instead, Mac is back in his living room, on the floor. His clothes are drenched in sweat, and his vision is blurred with blood, he notices after a few confusing minutes.

The nightmare must have made him thrash a lot, because Mac is on the floor, and he must have fallen hard, which would explain the sharp pain on his forehead, and the blood.

Cleaning up, Mac stares at his reflection in the bathroom mirror, and for the first time in the last two weeks, he sees what everyone else must be seeing. He gets why Bozer, Riley, and Matty have been looking at him like they expect he's about to keel over. There's no other way to put it, he looks like shit.

When Bozer comes home and finds Mac sitting outside, staring at the sky, he tries to talk, to help, and Mac almost gives in and tells him everything. He wants to, but Bozer's look of concern is too much, and Mac can't saddle his friend with the knowledge that he is maybe losing his mind - it sure feels like that, at times. He says the cut on his forehead was from a fall - technically not a lie. He already puts Bozer’s and everyone else’s life at risk, they don’t need his drama on top of it.

"If you don't wanna talk, Mac, at least try to have a doctor prescribe you something for insomnia, man," Bozer says. "I'm not sure I should do this, but… I was having trouble sleeping too, and I am taking pills when it gets really bad, so if you want a few… all I know is that you need to sleep, you’re heading for a crash."

Mac nods. "Thanks, Boze. But I've got this," he doesn't even feel offended at the skeptical look his friend gives him.

Sleeping pills are an attractive offer, but Mac is afraid that taking them would only mean longer, even harder to escape nightmares.

** ** ** **

And yes, the second video really is worse. It comes three weeks after the first one.

Murdoc sends the video directly to Mac, this time.

It is past midnight, and Mac is at home only because Matty threatened him, telling him that if he didn't get _some_ sleep, he wouldn't be allowed inside the Phoenix Foundation the next day. He suspects that she would actually follow through with that. So he went home, and if he ended up not sleeping at all, at least Matty wouldn't know.

He receives the video from an unknown email address. His phone buzzes with the notification and his heart skips a beat. As horrific as it is, Mac’s been waiting for this.

_I thought you might miss your guard dog._

That's the only thing written, and there is a video attached. For an instant that lasts for an eternity, his thumb just hovers over the link to the file.

Three weeks is a long time. Too long.

The video is a bit longer than seven minutes. That, too, is long enough to form a lump in his throat.

Mac takes a deep breath and clicks on the video.

What he sees shouldn't shock him, a rational and detached part of Mac's mind says. He's seen similar things before, has been in this business for some time, knows Murdoc well enough to know what to expect.

The irrational, instinctive side, however, takes over his body, and without him even noticing, the phone clatters on the floor as he tries to make it to the bathroom. He never does, and ends up on his knees somewhere along the way, losing whatever remains of his last meal on the floor. There isn't much on his stomach, and he ends up dry heaving painfully for long minutes.

Supporting his weight against the wall, Mac tries to recover anything that resembles normal breathing. His head spins, and the images flash before his eyes. His hands are clammy, his grip on the wall feels sticky and weird. For some time - and Mac can’t tell how long - it is as if he isn’t there, but floating outside his body.

When he gets back in control, Mac thinks that he ought to call Matty, get Riley to look for clues to Jack's location. He runs and gets the phone, noticing that his hands are shaking - and, oh, how weird that is. His hands shouldn’t shake like that. They never did, back in Afghanistan.

The screen is broken, and Mac can almost hear Jack saying “at least this time you broke your own phone, Mac.”

Maybe that is what compels him to click on the video again.

Knowing what to expect, he isn’t shocked by the scenes, but the dread of anticipation burns in his gut. It is almost worse this time. He winces before the blows land, cringes before the screams, shudders before the cattle prod touches the skin.

Halfway through, he pauses the video, knowing what is coming.

Jack's career has ended.

You take a hammer to a knee repeatedly, and no amount of physical therapy will be able to recover movement completely. Mac hates that he knows very well what was happening and that even his knowledge feels like a vulnerability that can be exploited in full. There is nothing to shield him from the horrible reality present in that video.

Mac stares ahead, thankful that Bozer isn't home, that there is no one to see what is happening now.

He doesn't finish the video the second time. Instead, he calls Matty and forwards her the email.

While he cleans the floor, Mac's mind goes over the products he is using, and before he knows, he is thinking about chemical combinations that would be deadly. On missions, he’s always using the environment and the things he finds in order to incapacitate, and he’s never wanted it to be otherwise before. But Mac knows that he could. Distantly, he wonders if he would.

Hypothetically.

The knowledge and skill are the same, what changes are the combinations, thresholds, limits.

Change the amperage, and an electrical current will knock some out. Change it again, and unconsciousness will be permanent.

Mix a few different chemicals, and instead of irritating the eyes and throat, the vapors will be much harder on the lungs.

Vary the angle, vary the torque, and the place where a bar hits will also change, as will the force it will pack.

Mac allows, for the first time, those thoughts just to fly before his eyes. He doesn’t chase them away or elaborate on them. He just… lets them there, recognizes their presence.

Before the sunrise, Riley already has a preliminary analysis of the video, and the situation hasn't changed: they aren't any closer to finding Jack.

Murdoc still doesn’t demand anything, doesn’t call to gloat, or to ask for the one thing that everyone knows he wants.

Mac has the sinking intuition that Jack won't be found a second before Murdoc has planned.

** ** ** **

_The third time is the charm ;)_

That is the message that wakes Mac in the middle of the night. The buzz of his phone is enough to cut through sleep. When he looks at the clock, Mac realizes that he slept for a little more than forty minutes. He had no nightmares, but he sure is waking up to one.

He's still wearing the same clothes he wore during the day - and honestly, he can't remember if he has changed in the last two days - and the uncomfortable position he is lying on makes his body ache.

But none of that matters.

There is another video attached.

He doesn't click on it, for the longest time, terrified of what he is going to see. The last video was sent only three days ago, and if Murdoc has sent another one so quickly, it means that Jack's condition is so bad that he is hurrying things.

Mac connects his earphones to the phone - today Bozer is home, and Mac doesn’t want to wake him up. Finally, after a deep breath, presses play.

Jack is tied to a chair, shirtless and bound by his wrists. There is a flush on his skin that speaks of fever, and his head hangs against his chest. Mac can’t see his face.

Murdoc appears behind the chair, with a gun in his hand and a smile on his lips.

“Oh my, Angus. You look positively haggard,” he shows pictures to the camera - they are of Mac, and they were taken recently. “I’m sure Papa Jack would be very unhappy about you neglecting yourself like that - not that he is going to find it much better when you’re dead, you’re not going to get any less pale and gaunt.

"Once upon a time, I offered you a deal, do you remember? I'm feeling generous today, so I will make a similar offer today. You come alone to the address at the end of this video, and I won't harm a hair on the heads of your loved friends - well, except for Jackie here, it would be just a bit hard to undo some things."

Murdoc presses the gun against Jack’s temple. “Some of them might be quite - ah, impossible to undo. Death, the lady who will turn the lights out and lock the universe behind her. There is a beauty in death that no one seems to appreciate. But there is one part of death that I can’t comprehend or appreciate… How does it feel to see someone you love dying? I don't think you saw your mother dying, did you? I wonder how it would have been… too late for that now."

Murdoc looks directly at the camera, eyes looking almost drunk and completely deranged.

"Well, maybe you can tell me later."

Mac stops breathing. This can’t - _can’t_ be happening. It is out of character for Murdoc, because he wants Mac, not anyone else. Murdoc _has to know_ that if he kills Jack then he will lose any leverage in whatever twisted game he is playing.

His mind is rationalizing things, trying to find explanations, to understand…

Until the shot rings.

Mac startles, eyes widening just as a tiny, wounded sound leaves his mouth before he can stop himself. Coldness washes over him and all the sounds seem so far away, buried beneath a ringing in his ears. Murdoc is saying something on the video, but not even that is enough to snap his attention back. His eyes blur, and the next breath he takes is an anguished, silent, half aborted sob.

The bullet hit Jack's head, but it shattered much more than Jack's cranium, it went through more than his brain.

It tore apart whatever it was that contained that dark corner of Mac's mind, that refrained everything inside it from spreading.

That one idea gets free reign to go wherever and do whatever it pleases, even if Mac himself takes a while to fully understand what is happening.

And then there is something that Murdoc is saying that makes Mac stop, that pulls him out of what he is sure was going to be an ugly loss of control. He rewinds the video, just enough to hear what Murdoc is saying.

“Oh my… did I scare you, MacGyver?” Murdoc asks, reaching the camera that must be supported by a tripod. The image shakes, and when it refocuses, Mac can see that the camera is pointed at the place where Murdoc had just shot Jack.

The - relatively - unmarred spot is a stark contrast to the mess of bone fragments, blood and brain matter that Mac had been prepared to see.

He blinks, tears running down, reaching trembling lips.

"I did, didn't I?" Murdoc asks, laughing. "I would _love_ to see your face now. Are you _crying_ , Angus?" He licks his lips. "You always try to appear collected and in control, so I know that those must be the most exquisite tears."

He taps the gun against the chair where Jack is being held.

"I _am_ a man of my word, although of course, for this to work you have to be too. But I know you are the little boy scout, so I think you won't try anything _dishonest_ here. It was a blank, MacGyver, but the next one won't be. Think of it as a trial pack of a world without Jack dearest. You will come _alone_ to the address at the end of this video, or I will send your precious Jack back bit by bit, and then I will do the same to everyone else you care about. Maybe I’ll feed them to you.”

Mac shudders at that last part, and he is glad he hasn’t eaten anything in the last hours.

“Oh, and _hurry_ , Angus. I am not sure Jack can last for much longer."

The next minutes are a blur. He scribbles down the address on two pieces of paper. He pockets one, the other he hides beneath his bed. If anything goes wrong, he wants the team to be able to rescue Jack, or, if things go really wrong - the thought hurts - to give him a proper burial as he deserves. He does everything stealthy, and Bozer doesn't wake up.

He doesn't really notice what is going on until he has driven for more than an hour, when he looks at the passenger seat and sees the things he's brought. A burner phone - his own is still safe at home because he knows Matty has been keeping an eye on him, and he wouldn't put it past her to track his phone - and a gun.

The gun is Jack's. He has a few guns stashed in Mac's house - _just in case, hoss, and don't go around stealing all the bullets to use them for whatever you wanna explode._

It's hard to picture himself using it, and Mac isn't sure if he will… but just the fact that he's brought the thing, and how unsure he feels about it, rattles him. Because now he can look inside himself and realize that he isn't going to meet Murdoc with the objective of arresting him. He has two goals: rescuing Jack and then ending this thing once and for all.

Mac knows that ending this will only happen when either he or Murdoc stops breathing.

Who says that Murdoc will really keep his word? Mac would rather make sure that the man won’t be able to harm his family. When you make a deal with the Devil, you don’t expect him to honor it.

He doesn't intend to die. At least, not without taking the bastard with him.

** ** ** **

After driving for three more hours, he arrives at an abandoned two-story house in the middle of nowhere. He parks his jeep and sends a message to Matty.

**I received another email and I had to come and get Jack. Alone. The address is under my bed.**

Mobilizing and sending a tac team - even using the choppers - will give Mac enough time to convince Murdoc that he came alone and to sort things out.

Sort things out - is that how he’s calling this?

The trip has served to give him an opportunity to collect his thoughts and he doesn’t even consider the gun again. He’s already crossing one line, there is no need to transgress another. Besides, between him and Murdoc, he is sure of who is the best shooter, and it makes no sense to bring in something that will put him at a disadvantage if things go south.

He will just do what he always does. Improvise. The swiss army knife is a comforting weight in his pocket.

The house is dark, and if the power is off, he won’t be able to use electricity in his plans. He files that information for later.

Walking to the house takes too long. The stairs to the porch screech as he steps on them, and so does the door as he opens it. _I don’t know Mac, this place is all kinds of creepy - this is how all those dumb characters die in horror movies_.

_Don’t worry. I’ll figure something out, I’ll have a plan, but you’re not going to like it._

** ** ** **

His plan to figure something out goes sideways the moment he steps inside, because Murdoc has prepared this house, the place is as Anti-MacGyver as it could be. There is power, the lights are turned on as soon as he enters the house, but there is not a nail on the floor, the rooms are bare of anything he can use to improvise. Murdoc takes his swiss army knife away and Mac is left with nothing. When the realization hits, he almost feels helpless desperation, almost gets lost in his own head with the idea that he is going to fail.

In the end, it is a lesson that he’s learned in the basics of Army training, and that was then reinforced by Jack, and Thornton and everyone he’s ever trained with that stops him from spiraling down completely. His own body is going to have to be the weapon, the only thing left to use.

Murdoc doesn’t let Mac see Jack to confirm that he’s alive. Instead, he talks and talks and talks. Normally, those words would affect him, but he is completely focused on his plan, which isn’t much of a plan, but rather the primitive lurking of hunting.

Mac remembers that once Murdoc talked about predators and preys, and how people are evolutionarily wired to recognize the threat of that which hunts them.

But the thing is: food chains and webs are not static, not by a long shot. Ecosystems exist in a precarious balance, and seemingly small changes can trigger radical alterations in the landscape of relationships between different organisms.

Maybe the assassin has grown too certain of his place in the food chain to realize what is happening. Murdoc thinks that, undoubtedly, he can continue to attack and attack without his victims being able - or willing - to fight back.

“I see something of me in you, Angus. But I don’t have the weaknesses that you do,” _you do_ , Mac wants to say, but he won’t bring Cassian into this. It is already bad enough that he intends to leave the boy fatherless. “And that has become, quite frankly, boring,” he says as if he were reviewing a movie. “You’ll die without even knowing if you could save your friend. But think of it, if he dies, your little family can arrange a double funeral, wouldn’t that be funny? I might even show up to cheer them up.”

Murdoc comes close. Too close. Mac knows this is his last opportunity, and he also knows that there is no way he isn’t getting shot, so he just tries to minimize the damage and get shot in a place that still leaves him functional. He’s also counting on Murdoc’s want to play with his food instead of doing something as anticlimactic as shooting Mac on the head.

He ducks and throws himself against Murdoc, putting all his weight against the other man, his left-hand goes to hold Murdoc’s right, but he’s too slow, and his grip isn’t strong enough, and as both of them fall down, a shot rings. There is no time to check where he was hit - even though he suspects it’s on his shoulder, if the burning sensation is anything to go by - all that matters is that he’s still alive, and he still has one thing to finish, and he can’t get shot again.

Murdoc hits the ground and the air leaves his lungs. Mac takes advantage of that and goes for the gun. They struggle for some time, trading punches and kicks, and sometimes there are cracking sounds that Mac can keep track of - he doesn’t know if his bones or Murdoc’s are the ones making those sounds. Probably both. He is vaguely aware of the pain in his ribs, but adrenaline is a blessed fuel that helps him focus on what needs to be done. Of course, he is not the only one benefiting from that, and Mac knows that if this fight goes on for long enough he will lose just because of sheer exhaustion - not counting anything else.

When he finally succeeds in throwing the gun away, Murdoc fingers dig on his shoulder, right where it already burns, and his other hand goes to Mac’s hair and _pulls_ , he feels strands being plucked as his eyes tear up, and pain flares on his shoulder. It is enough distraction for Murdoc to reach a knife in his pocket and stab Mac on his thigh. And this is bad, is worse than the bullet, because if he’s hit the femoral artery, Mac is as good as dead.

So Mac pulls his leg back a bit, hoping that Murdoc won’t be able to reach the knife and pull it out. The assassin is still digging at his shoulder. Mac punches Murdoc’s face once, twice, but then he feels Murdoc’s knee hitting the knife that is still buried on his leg, his vision darkens for a second and he grunts in pain.

Murdoc almost succeeds in escaping, but Mac throws himself against him one more time, and now Mac manages to hit the other man with his elbow, the impact making Murdoc’s head hit the wall, and he stumbles. Mac goes down too, he knocks Murdoc against the wall again, but when he tries it for the third time Murdoc stops him.

In the distance, Mac hears the noise of a helicopter approaching, and it is that sound that pushes him to finish things. He’s come alone, but he _isn’t_ alone. And what Murdoc considers Mac’s weakness is what will end him. Mac is doing this because he can’t live in a world where such a man continues to threaten them. And his family, his unconventional but ever-present family is there - they won’t let him to go alone either, not more than he insists on doing things by himself, at least.

He accepts that idea, embraces it fully.

Now he knows - even if for only a few minutes - how it feels to live in a world where Jack is dead. And he is not going to let that happen again.

_One thing that a lot of people get wrong about strangulation is thinking that blocking the airways, preventing pulmonary respiration, is the most efficient way to achieve unconsciousness and death. That could take a lot of time - more than a minute, even - to lead to unconsciousness. And actually, it’s practically impossible to completely compress the trachea._

Mac’s hands reach Murdoc’s neck, and he can tell the moment the assassin realizes what is happening, when he understands that this fight is not about ending in a black site or never seeing Cassian again. Perhaps he recognizes the intent, having seen that same glint in his own eyes in the mirror. Murdoc grins, blood paints his teeth, and he has never looked more like an animal.

And because Mac needs to hear it, but there's no one around to reassure him, he says, "If you don't struggle, it will be quick. I'm not an animal."

_But if you know what you are doing, constricting the carotid arteries can make that much quicker. So, if I position my hand just so, I can block the supply of oxygenated blood going up to the brain and neck. Which should lead to unconsciousness in five to twenty seconds._

With ease, Mac's fingers find the right points to press, but Murdoc struggles, his neck tenses, and he tries to throw Mac’s weight off him.

_However, years of evolution have made the anatomy of the neck ready to avoid such an easy death. If the person being strangled tenses the neck, it is hard to apply the necessary pressure to crush the carotids. Which means that this will be messier than I’d hoped._

Mac presses one of his hands on Murdoc’s forehead, holding him down, and then he uses his elbow, throwing all his weight down in one blow against Murdoc’s neck.

_Lesions to the trachea are dangerous, but by themselves, they are not necessarily lethal. However, they can be so painful as to lead to unconsciousness._

Murdoc struggles some more, but his eyes are pained, and his movements grow weaker as his eyes roll, and finally- _finally..._

As his hands close around Murdoc’s neck, Mac’s brain reminds him that he could stop. It’s not that he is considering stopping, no, it’s merely his mind making him aware of the options. His decision, however, was made. He keeps the pressure and starts to count. A hundred and eighty should be enough, three-hundred to be sure.

He thinks back to that first day when he wondered if it was already too late to stop himself from doing this.

Maybe it has always been too late.

It is hard to keep counting, and now that his brain tells his adrenal glands that the threat is gone, his body starts to make him very aware of everything that hurts. He feels lightheaded, feels his heart beating fast, and there is a seeping coldness trying to claw him, but Mac forces himself to go on until he finishes counting.

He still doesn’t allow himself to collapse. He needs to check on Jack, he doubts he will be able to do anything to rescue him, but… he just needs to be there.

Mac tries to stand up, but his legs feel like jelly, and one of them still has a knife buried in the muscle. So he does the next best thing and drags himself until he reaches the stairs. He thinks Murdoc has left Jack up on the second floor, he just needs…

The world goes out of focus, and when it comes back, Mac is lying on the steps, and there are men walking inside, dressed in black and carrying guns - the tac team, his mind supplies. He loses consciousness again, and when he comes to, he is staring at a known face.

“Blondie, come on.”

Mac blinks, wants to ask why Matty seems so worried, and why her voice is so sharp… he opens his mouth to talk, but then he remembers what happened, remembers the video, coming to meet Murdoc and rescue Jack…

And then there are other people there, and they are touching him, and saying things - the terms are enough to clue him that they are a medical team. Matty is still there, though.

“‘atty, y‘ve got to find Jack,” he says. “Go find him,” he tries to focus on Matty’s face, but his eyes slip, and he’s staring at a distant point on the wall.

“Mac, look at me,” Matty replies, and he tries, he needs her to understand what he is trying to say - he is fine, but Jack was so hurt in that video. “Good. Now listen, Jack isn’t here. Murdoc had two mercs drop him near your house. He is already at the hospital.”

He frowns, and then hisses as someone touches his shoulder. “No, he is here, Murdoc told me…”

“He lied,” Matty says, and Mac thinks she is angry. “It was a trap for you. Jack is at the hospital, he was never here.”

“How’s he?”

“He will be up and about getting on my nerves in no time,” Matty replies. “And so will you…”

Mac tries, he really tries to pay attention to Matty - she snaps when people don’t listen to her - but now that he knows that Jack is being taken care of, he thinks he can rest, just a bit. Matty calls him, and so do other people, but Mac is so tired, and there is something hurting, and maybe he can sleep it off...


End file.
